Journal Entry #76

I continue to be amazed at the love, compassion and thoughtfulness of our Village.  My last post was a particularly difficult part of my journey to share publicly.  I was nervous, with an upset tummy and shaking hands when I clicked “publish.”  I guess some entries are a little more vulnerable than others.

My phone and computer immediately started dinging with texts, calls and messages.  But I wasn’t ready to hear the worlds reaction…so I turned my devices to silent mode and found myself reflecting and peeling back yet another layer.  I know the posts that I have shared so far have all been written from my heart, with little editing or finessing, but that particular entry had to be altered and edited. 

My life has been an open book, no topic off limits, real, vulnerable and completely authentic.  I have shared intimate details with the world about this journey.  And everything I have shared has been truthful, detailed and completely authentic and possibly TMI.

The last entry was different though.

I censored.

And I did so, for good reasons.

1. I did not want to finger point or create gossip.
2. Not everyone wants their lives to be an open book.
3. It is not my place to seek justice and hold public court over other people’s actions/choices.
4. I wanted to protect the individuals who hurt me, knowingly or unknowingly.

Wait, what?!

I am surprised that I just wrote that.  I mean, yes, those individuals are each on their own journeys, trying to figure life out too, just like me.  Haven’t I nicked and bruised others along the way also?  I am in no place to judge.  I have my own flaws, faults and hang ups.  I am not exempt from figuring out the complexities of life.  I continue to live and learn each day.  To forgive and let what’s done be done is one thing.  But do I really need to go so far as to protect them too?

Absolutely.

I think we punish ourselves more than anyone else ever could.  I know I do.  I re-work, re-live, and re-think so many situations, conversations and relationships some days that it monopolizes all of my free energy.  Sometimes I berate myself, sit in denial, self-sabotage and withdraw in response to feeling like I have done something wrong or hurt someone else.  That kind of emotional turmoil is punishment enough.  I definitely don’t want to add fuel to the fire by “outing” anyone.

I know curiosities have been piqued.  Some have out-right asked, claiming that justice needs to be served, that the perpetrators should be exposed so that others know the weak links in the Village.  Some have called and left messages full of “big fat love”, texted with encouragement and support, and commented offering their blessings and reassurance.  Some have even apologized that we have had to go through something like this on top of everything else.

I think I was nervous to share that entry because I really didn’t want to expose anyone or make their journey in life any more challenging for them.

But if I am really honest, I was afraid that people would know that I let someone else’s voice be louder in my own head, than my own.

How could I let a few “negative” words and actions of others take up space in my brain?  How could I give my power to these voices that have never had my best interest at heart?  How could I do that to myself, betray myself like that?  The real estate in my brain and in my life is extremely valuable, how could I let those voices/actions be squatters?  How could I so easily give my power away?

I guess instead of staying stuck in this embarrassed feeling of self-hate, I could choose to forgive myself too.

Afterall, I am only human.  When I look back to the time when this was starting to unfold, there was so much uncertainty, fear and inner emotional turmoil, I was susceptible to others opinions, words and actions.  When my integrity came into question, I just allowed it to take root.  I am not making excuses, but what I am realizing is that even at my most vulnerable and impressionable times, I still had a choice of how I chose to see events and the world around me.  My perspective on my outer world, is how the landscape of my inner world is formed.  And those cues are what translate into wellness or a state of dis-ease.  I am really thankful that I am learning this first hand, that as I shift my perspective from “victim” to “healing” that I am amplifying overall wellness within my body.  I realize that by holding on to that anger and resentment it has been holding back my progress in healing.  I am ready to NOT let those voices dictate my journey to wellness.  I am ready to take back my responsibility and power to make choices that are appropriate for me.  I forgive myself for betraying myself and I commit to work really hard at standing my ground when others try to take up residence.  This is a boundary that is essential to both my growth and healing and I am ready to give it the attention that it deserves. Thank you for this blesson. I forgive myself and I release myself.

I think sometimes the easier part of heart-work is forgiving the “others” involved.  To forgive myself is way harder.  I’m noticing that even when others ‘wrong’ me, I still have responsibility in it. I am not sure that I can truly forgive someone else if I haven’t yet forgiven myself for my role in it too.  Just writing this brings me even more relief than the last entry.  Am I afraid to share it?

Absolutely.

But I will, because I am keenly aware that I am creating a legacy in every moment. I really hope that I am remembered for my honesty, but also as a woman who does what she says she’s going to do, a woman who lives what she teaches, a woman who talks the walk and walks the talk too.  And just like every other woman, a woman who has a voice that matters.  Every moment of every day is an opportunity to live authentically and THRIVE.

Onward!

Xo Juli