Journal Entry #88
Life has been ticking by. I am feeling stronger every day. I seem to be engaging in life a little more like I used to before Leishmaniasis. I have been planning ahead for workshops and meditation gatherings. I have initiated a project for International Women’s Day coming up on March 8th. It is a project that is maybe a little bigger than I am ready for, but Vicky and Stephanie are really helping me to pull it off. A zest for contributing to the world has returned and I don’t want it to go to waste.
I am learning that help is necessary for me now in ways that it never use to be. Sometimes, I just drop into a black hole of nothing and I can’t remember where I am or what I am doing. I blank entirely in conversations. I can only hear one thing at a time. For instance, I can’t have the music on and have someone talking to me at the same time. My brain doesn’t know where to listen, and then everything gets jumbled. Big crowds are very difficult. I think very linearly now and struggle with layered or multi-step thought processes. I have a “paper brain” that goes everywhere with me because if I don’t write it down I don’t mentally hold on to it. I am learning to adapt every day in new ways.
In a way, it is kind of cool because I am also seeing the world differently, which means I am growing and expanding into a new awareness. Sometimes, I want to invite people in to see what I am seeing. Perspectives are so important, and I am seeing now not only how everyone has their own, but also how uniquely each person has created their own through their own experiences. My perspective doesn’t have to be everyone’s perspective. Kind of like my opinion or my beliefs or my anything. I naturally want to share, but I am starting to notice that listening is more important. I think, much like myself, people want to feel validated. They want to be heard, they want to know that their story is important, that their perspective is valid and that they aren’t alone. I am starting to think that this is a basic need for all humans in this life. Again, I am reminded that we are more alike than we are different.
I did a 30 minute workout with Canyon and Faith last night. It felt so good to move my body and at the same time I am so, so, so weak! I am so out of shape that everything felt awkward. I have decided that these 20 extra chemo pounds need to go! I am back to intermittent fasting like I did regularly before Leishmaniasis, a protein shake for lunch and a healthy dinner. I am still taking a mitt full of supplements and herbs twice a day too.
Anyway, when I got up this morning, put my feet on the floor, everything, and I mean everything pained. The pressure in the bottom of my feet was pure agony. My hair follicles were zinging, my eye-lids felt puffy and heavy, my hips were screaming all before I even stood up…today was a cannabis day. Thank goodness for this plant medicine! I didn’t accomplish much today…couldn’t. I find this part so frustrating…my brain wants to contribute to the household and to the world, but my body is screaming “no fucking way!” And it is so loud that the brain doesn’t have a choice but to stand down and obey. So, basically I have rested all day. I haven’t accomplished a damn thing. And I just have to be okay with that.
I am hopeful that this is just my body breaking itself in again. It needs to know that I will be demanding more from it going forward. I want to THRIVE, not just survive.  It is weird, because I have had this dual feeling today…like I am struggling to keep the pain away and the negative thoughts at bay…and at the same time I am thriving as I rest and listen to my body. I am oscillating between struggling and thriving all day long. But I consume less energy when I just go with it…fighting the body is just exhausting. It really is a state of surrender…almost in every breath today.
I just keep reminding myself that this too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
Xo Juli
