*Gross pictures that you can’t un-see.*

Journal Entry #19

I know.  I know the Miltefosine is working. I just know it is.

Last night was a painful night…pain in a new area on the inside of the foot and ulcer.  All. Night. Long. I inhaled “Heel Bugs.” I exhaled “Heal Body.” I vaped.  I counted my breaths.  I prayed. I repeated the mantra “my body is healing.  My body is healed.”  You may think that I was fighting the bugs last night.  That I was wrapped up in the physical experience.  But I wasn’t.

I was fighting my own thoughts. All. Night. Long.

The thoughts were trying to take over:

• “The bugs must be feeding again.”
• “How are they still alive?”
• “How many are there?How many are circulating through my body?”
• “My nose is itchy again, I wonder if the ones in my nose are still feeding too, or have they died yet?”
• “Why is this happening to me?”
• “Am I going to have to do more treatments after this one?”

Every thought that came in derailed my focus.  Every thought threatened to take the power away from the mindset that I have chosen: “I KNOW!”  I survived the night, and started the day skeptical and weaker than yesterdays “taller” perspective.  And then…

I experienced another disappointing Christmas morning this morning. 

Just as I fought to not imagine last night, the bugs have punched through into new skin on the inside of the foot ulcer.  New bug activity.  Confirmation that they are not DEAD…yet.  9 new red dots appear on fresh skin, threatening to increase the size of the ulcer.  WTF!?

And my bum is bleeding. Haemorrhoids are a terrible thing.  Like toe-curling, tearing pain…that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.  It is Anusol by day and Zincofax by night around here these days.

And don’t get me started on these hot flashes!!!

This is a test.

I KNOW the Miltefosine is working.  I know we were all hoping for fast and amazing results, but it doesn’t work that way.  Just because there is new bug activity doesn’t mean the Miltefosine isn’t working.  It just means that it isn’t working on the faster timeline that we want it to.  It just means that it isn’t working…yet.   Just because I can clearly see that the wounds are worsening, and the pain is still there, does NOT mean the drug isn’t working. It just isn’t working…yet!  But it will.  It has to.  Right?!

Today, I am earthing.  I am sitting in the sun, and standing in the grass.  I’m taking short walks to the garden to admire the tulips and fresh greens poking through the earth.  I am grounding myself and affirming that I am healthy.  That the medicine is working.  That my body is healing. That I am making choices that support my body in healing.

I KNOW it is working.

The battle is real.  The struggle is real.  Those nasty thoughts try to take control, but I won’t let them.  I can’t let them.  I get to decide my own mindset, I get to choose the thoughts, I get to influence my emotions.  Me.  I am my own thought control board.  I need to consistently get out of my own way, and actively choose the thoughts.  The good ones.

It might not be easy, but I will pass this test.  It is possible.

I’ve got this.

Xo Juli