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May 28, 2019

There are always flowers.

*Gross pictures.  Scroll at your own risk.*

Journal Entry #24

Wayne Dyer says “the only difference between a flower and a weed is judgement.”

As I head to bed tonight, I realize that I’ve judged today as a day full of weeds.  And by now, you would think I would notice it and flip it sooner…but not today.

I am perfectly imperfect.  I know how to help myself, I know how to dig deep and find the flowers.  It’s just that…I am so tired.  An excuse, I know.  Another 2 weeks of this seems daunting today.  Weeds.

I got up at 10am, spent all my Tic-Tacs by 11:30 and crawled back to bed by noon.  I slept hard until 4pm.  I spent the rest of the evening on the couch.  Weeds.

This morning I made an emotional decision that involves two commitments that I will be unable to fulfil due to the extension of treatment.  I had been ignoring it, hoping I wouldn’t have to make a decision…you know, classic avoidance.  But this morning, I realized I was being selfish.  I love what I do and I also hate to let people down.  The thing is, I am unwell right now and the illness that I feel due to the Miltefosine will only increase the longer I am on the drug. I am unable to drive as well. There are just so many variables that are unstable in my life right now, it isn’t fair to leave this decision until the last minute and cause other people more stress on their special day simply because my brain wants to do what my body won’t let me.  So I made a decision to bow out of these commitments.

Then my body crashed.

What I released emotionally and mentally, triggered a physical release with my friend the Porcelain God.  It always amazes me – the connection between the physical, mental, spiritual and emotional bodies – we are not separate slivers of ourselves.  When one aspect of self is affected, the others feel it too.  And when we unwind the stress that we hold in one of those aspects, the other aspects have to let go and unwind too.  We carry so much in the unconscious, so much that we are unaware of, it is amazing how we function at all. Weeds.

The two wounds on my left arm and hand seem to be making progress. The Medihoney stays on for 24 hour periods, so it was a surprise this morning when I was changing the bandages that they are both flat and flush with the surrounding skin now.  This is exciting!  This means progress in the right direction!  Flowers.

The ulcer on my right foot was very painful last night and today. I am still using the Flamazine when I bandage this wound 2-3 times per day, as it is still open and feels like there is still “activity” in it.  It does look flatter on the outside edges, but in all honesty, the changes are so subtle I can’t tell if the changes are real, or if I am just wishful thinking. The pain today makes me think and feel that I am wishful thinking.  Weeds.

The stomach cramping and nausea was at an all-time high today. Like my whole body was in a vice from every angle.  I have been very fortunate in my life, to never suffer PMS cramps or symptoms like some of my friends.  I never truly understood or could sympathize with them…but here is a shout out to you that battle the vice of cramps every month.  I am so sorry that you have to experience that at all.  You rock for persevering! Weeds.

We received formal word today that our request for an exception for drug coverage through our benefits plan was denied.  We are out of pocket for the Miltefosine. Weeds.

Yesterday, I was unable to go to the Blue Jays Game with my family, but I did watch from home. It stings that my body won’t let me do things with my family. Weeds.

I did enjoy some fresh air on the porch with Canyon tonight as we planned out a special project for school.  I also enjoyed the company of a few visitors; Vicky, Sara and my nieces. I am not sure I was much of a conversationalist today, but I do appreciate the outside world coming to visit. Flowers.

When Dr. Bogglid asked me last week, if I could hang on and push through an additional 10 days of treatment, I told her that I could.  I promised her I would “mind over matter” it and barrel through. My organs are holding up, and if it is only my gut that hates the drug, I will deal. I was strong that day.  It is only temporary after all, I am not a quitter, and I don’t break promises.

Today, I wanted to break that promise.

Weeds. Weeds. Weeds.

Although my day was one that was full of weeds, I did have some flowers in there.  And as I write this, I can see that even the weeds could have been flowers if I allowed myself to see them that way:

  • A tired and sleepy body? My body does its best healing when it rests.
  • An extra 10 days of Miltefosine? Thank goodness I have easy access to additional medicine to be able to do that.
  • Not honoring commitments? Honoring my healing process, prioritizing my needs and health, setting new boundaries.
  • Shitterhea? Here in the developed world we have toilets…where this disease is most prevalent, they do not.
  • Foot ulcer pain? A least it is intermittent now, and not constant.
  • Stomach Cramps? Cannabanoids.
  • No drug coverage? On to the next grant application…
  • No family outing? We have lots of family time, it just looks different right now. And that’s okay.
  • Breaking promises? Not an option.
  • Quitting treatment?  Not an option. Dig deep and find the flowers.

There are always flowers.

I just have to be willing to look.

Xo Juli

2 thoughts on “There are always flowers.”

  1. Juli first all the way.Looking after yourself is the most important thing you can do .I do see progress in the pics.Your writing is amazing and makes me really think about things in my life that I need to be more appreciative of.Thank you for helping me heal while you are working so hard to heal yourself.You are an amazing women.

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