*You cannot unsee these pictures.*

Journal Entry #42

Faith was born two weeks early.

I remember my water breaking at 6am, arriving at the hospital at noon, she was delivered at 3pm and we were on our way home at 6pm on April 13, 2008.

Less than 24 hours later, I took a pillow to sit upon and met with other members of the Joint Search Committee at the Greenbank United Church to interview a potential Ministerial Candidate. I remember waddling through the back door of the church and one of the men asked me “when are you going to have that baby?!” Open mouth, insert foot. When I explained that I had had her the day before, he stood there in disbelief that I showed up to participate in the interview.

Looking back, I wonder, who does that?

I find myself in a similar situation now. As much as I want to be hitting life hard again, my body is protesting the speed at which I do it. I am not bouncing back as fast as I would like. I am bouncing though…and that is a good thing. I keep reminding myself, one day at a time. The physical is coming along slowly, the emotional is coming along slowly, the mental is coming along slowly…all moving in the right direction…and I keep reminding myself that it is okay to go at my own pace.

Once I made an appearance in the world again this week, I felt the expectation to engage just as I was before Leishmaniasis. But I am not ready yet. And that is okay. I will continue to listen to my body and give it the space it needs to heal.

So, as I rest in the trailer, with my foot up at Canyon’s Regional Baseball Tournament in Napanee while all the other team families gather outside for a BBQ between games, I find myself grateful to be able to be present and participate as I can, rest as I can, sleep as I can. I trust that one day soon, I will be ready to fully engage with life and hit it hard again…that moment is just not today…and that is okay. It is coming.

Soon.
Xo Juli