*You cannot un-see these pictures. Proceed with caution.*
Journal Entry #5
I have always thought of myself as a patient person. But, I am experiencing a whole new level of it. We don’t have a tracking number…has the drug been shipped? Is the drug held up at customs? Why isn’t it here yet? Don’t they know that this is important? That time is of value? Don’t they know that each day I go without, I have more flesh missing? That the pain increases? That my functionality and ability to contribute to my own household has been affected? Don’t they know that the Leish is spreading in my body?
I find myself in a constant battle between frustration and hope. Everyone around me is expressing the frustration, is impatient and simply can’t believe that it isn’t here yet. But – let me back it up a bit and give you an understanding of where I am coming from in my belief construct. I am a firm believer that our thoughts create our reality…that our thoughts create feelings and those emotions are what interact with our cells to create a state of wellness or dis-ease. I have believed this, and taught this and practiced this for my entire adult life and professional career. I know that frustration is a symptom of anger and I know that when I am in a state of frustration, the emotional frequency rests around 150Hz. And that frequency does not promote healing. I know that I need to be in an emotional state that signals wellness to my cells, resonating somewhere above the 350Hz mark – somewhere above acceptance, understanding and reason – somewhere closer to Love (500Hz) or Peace (600Hz). So, I find myself bouncing like popcorn around the emotional wheel – one moment frustration, one moment hopeful…one moment disappointed…one moment in the flow of what is.
I am finding that frustration can be like a vortex for me. Once I succumb to it, I go wild with the thoughts that create more frustration and down I go…and then it becomes difficult to get out of the vortex. It would be great to say that I never visit the vortex, but I am human…and perfectly imperfect. What I am doing, is catching myself. And reaffirming the higher frequency emotions, affirming that all is in order and it is what it is.
Although we don’t know where the drugs are, I am hopeful that they will be here soon. I have an amazing team of doctors that care about my well-being. That email to check on me, that call with updates, even when there aren’t any. I have friends and family that are reaching out to offer suggestions (I am doing tons of research these days), to support both myself and my family. We are so loved, and so blessed to be a part of a community that cares, and a network of people who love as deeply as they do. I know that this is a rotten thing to go through, but I am learning so much about myself, my perspective has shifted, my shortcomings are coming to light and my strengths are coming to my awareness…all of these things are awesome. When we are uncomfortable in life, it means that we are growing, expanding and preparing…even if we know not for what. I choose to be understanding, patient and thankful. I could choose frustration…instead I choose gratitude and patience. And no matter how many times a day that vortex threatens, I will keep reminding myself that it is a choice to enter in.
I guess this is where the deeper part of that practice comes into play for me.
At the April 23rdappointment, we talked about the subtle rash that has started developing under my nose. My blood pressure was through the roof (fear does that) as we discussed the fact that indeed the parasites have infiltrated the lymphatic system, and have traveled to the left nasal septum, nostril and skin under my left nostril. Of course, we will have an ENT verify it all, but the plausibility is high. As you can see in the picture, the wound on the foot has now coalesced, is larger and deeper, sending pain into the surrounding joints and the bones below.
Here is the thing, this isn’t something that happens in the developed world. It isn’t something that happens in places that have resources, funding for research and organized data collection. They know a lot about these bugs, but they don’t know the timeline for how and when they travel in the body. They know what organs they prefer and what tissues they prefer to feast upon. But they simply do not have a timeline. It is anyone’s guess.
My money is on the cells of my body. I need to continue doing my part to keep my frequency in a healthy state, one that promotes wellness. I will continue to practice patience, gratitude and trust knowing that I am in good hands and help is on the way.