Journal Entry #69

Violated.

That is how I am feeling right now. It is an intense feeling.  I wonder if it is this intense because it is coupled with so many other emotions right now?  Although the sun is shining for the first time in days, I can’t seem to shake this lingering feeling that a dark cloud is hanging over my head.

Even though my body supports me in so many ways as I heal, I am frustrated that it isn’t cooperating the way that I want it to.  I am disappointed that my energy levels haven’t returned to a more “normal” way of life.  I am sad because I haven’t been able to engage in life socially the way I want to.  I am angry that my brain continues to let me down.  I am tired.

So, so tired.

Saturday night, was totally my fault.  Yes, I can blame the chemo brain but the reality is, it was my responsibility to lock the car and truck doors.  I was the last person to drive both.  As it happened, in the wee hours of Sunday morning at 3:30am, both of our vehicles were ransacked by 2 young males, wearing hoodies and backpacks as we slept.

I thought it weird when I woke Sunday morning to get ready for church that Tim’s car door was left wide open.  I slipped on some shoes and ran out to shut the door, noticing a pile of garbage and stuff strewn on the driver’s seat.

Something wasn’t right.

Then Tim came into the kitchen and said that he had a notification that our security cameras were activated in the night when they picked up motion in and around our vehicles.  As we watched the 10+ minutes of footage, we could clearly see a man cross the road, he looked around and then entered Tim’s car.  He wasn’t in there very long, leaning across checking the glove box and console, upsetting everything in his path.  When he finished after less than 2 minutes, he left the car door open, and walked around to the driver’s side of my truck.  Again he looked around, opened the door, checked the door pockets, and then got in the truck and slightly closed the door.  We couldn’t see what he was doing inside the truck because there was snow covering the windows, but every once in a while you could see a flash of light, movement in the mirrors and shifting of light as he ransacked the backseat too.  After about 7-8 minutes of him inside the truck, a second man came to the driver’s side door and opened it.  They exchanged words, and moments later the man exited the truck and then left the door open as they moved to the sidewalk.  There they had an animated conversation for a minute or two before they continued on their way.

The good news is that not much appears to be missing.

They were hasty when they ransacked Tim’s car, overlooking his wallet in the driver side door.  Other than a mess, there doesn’t seem to be anything missing from the car, although we don’t keep much of value in our vehicles.

My truck didn’t fare so well. 

My truck had been detailed not that long ago, and so there was NOTHING in the console, glove compartments or seat pockets.  All the contents that used to be there are in a box in our shed.  They upset the change dish I had, pulled all the wrappers and garbage that the kids stuff in the doors and pockets, pulled out the liners of the console and then, likely upon frustration that there wasn’t anything of value, proceeded to slice (with a knife or box cutter) both the driver’s and passengers seats, the headliner above the driver’s side, the center main navigation/radio display and the steering wheel.  The main screen display has a mind of its own, randomly switching channels, scanning on super speed, jumping display screens and not responding to the touch as it did only a day ago.  Other than Tim’s baseball glove, we can’t find anything missing from the truck.

I’ve never been one to jump to conclusions, and I typically give the benefit of doubt.  But I just can’t find any logic or reason here.  There isn’t anything of value missing, that we can see, and the damage isn’t terrible, but it is enough that it is an inconvenience, enough for an insurance claim and enough that now, we will have to pay the $1000 deductible to make the claim.

Which is so incredibly annoying.  Who has an extra $1000 kicking around this time of year?

I just don’t understand the value in destroying someone else’s property?  I don’t understand the mental/emotional place that these men were in when they trespassed and violated our belongings?  How desperate must they have been?  What morals and ethics and conscience do they abide by?

The violation and destruction of property is one thing, but the emotional stress that it has caused our family is another.

Our house is safe.  Secure.  We have reaffirmed this to our kids over and over.  A few years ago there was an attempted kidnapping in Port Perry and our kids came across that information in an unfavorable way.  They were afraid to sleep at night, afraid to walk to and from school, afraid to play outside.  It took months of talking through it, reassuring them by showing them how and what the security system sounds like when it is activated, and even counselling.  I remember Canyon asking “why would someone want to take a kid away from their home and parents, Mommy?”  I couldn’t think of one good reason why, and so the fear lingered there for them.  It was an attempted kidnapping in our community and both kids felt violated in their own neighborhood.

This, car ransacking and destruction has sent both kids into a tailspin again.

We talked it through, prayed for the perpetrators and our continued safety, showed them the video, and reassured them that our doors are locked and that our security system will help keep us safe, that the police have been notified and they are working to catch the bad guys.

Both kids slept with lights on last night.

The thing is, violation is violation.  When we are made to feel unsafe, when we feel raw, vulnerable and exposed it is scary.  When our space has been invaded by unwelcome guests, we can’t help but feel angry, unsettled and confused and also relieved at the same time.

It could have been worse.

That doesn’t necessarily make it any easier to understand.  We are generous people, givers by nature and we do so freely, simply because giving makes us feel good.  But this was different.  These people took from us.  They took what wasn’t theirs, they destroyed property that wasn’t theirs.  They scared children that are not theirs.  Their actions, perhaps out of desperation, have had an impact and unhealthy effect on our household.  And unless they are caught, they will have no consequences.

It will be left to Karma.

I have been working really hard on keeping stress levels down, which is a challenge this time of year, but it is necessary as I work to support my immune system and continue to heal from the effects of both chemotherapy and Leishmaniasis. This kind of stuff does NOT help my situation.

So, today we are reporting an insurance claim.  According to Facebook, we weren’t the only ones violated in our community over the weekend.  These two were caught on camera at several households, and we have heard of multiple reports of cars being ransacked over the weekend.  I am certain, that we aren’t the only family that is feeling violated.

If I dig deeper into the feeling of violation, I can find a deeper root.  One that feels sad, one that feels betrayed.  This last year, we have experienced the generosity of our village, seen the beauty and power of humanity, felt reassured by the genuine goodness of people.  This weekend all that goodness was splinted as we were betrayed by one of our own – fellow humans.  I don’t know who they were, I don’t know why they did what they did and certainly it feels unfair to let one incidence destroy our faith in humanity.

Today, I have decided NOT to give them that kind of power.

This one random act of betrayal by a fellow human, does not get to change how I see my village, how I interact with those whom I trust.  This event does not get to change how I view the world or the people within it.  These two young men, do not get to take up space in my head or household.  AND, chemo brain or not, I forgive myself for forgetting to lock the vehicles.  This is just another blesson.

I have always believed that what goes around comes around.  I have always believed that in the positive sense of the statement, for example,  do good unto others and they will do good unto you.  You reap what you sow.  I can now see the duality of this statement.  If we do good unto others and get good in return, conversely,  if we do harm to another we will get harm in return. I would never wish ill of anyone, EVEN to these two men.  And it makes my heart sad to think that one day they may experience the other side of the power they had the other night.  I truly hope and pray that they found what they needed or were looking for in the countless vehicles that they invaded, that their desperation was satisfied and that someday they find forgiveness within themselves for the choices that they have made.

Some may say that Karma is a bitch.

I say that Karma is an opportunity to heal.

To the two men who violated my family, I pray that you are blessed with Karma.

Xo Juli