April 3, 2020

I am stronger than the fear.

Journal Entry #87

It is so nice to be home.  In my own bed. With my own pillows. With our kids and our cat.

With no bugs.

I am happy to report that we survived Bequia AND that Bequia survived us.  We made some amazing memories, met some awesome locals, and enjoyed the vitamin D!  I will admit that travelling home was less stressful than the travel day to get us to the island.  I remain hopeful that travel will become easier for me each time I do it.

The truth is, travel is important for my work and life here upon this earth.  So many things hinge on my ability to travel fearlessly, with little stress and worry.  Things like offering retreats, mission work, personal development and also my own personal enjoyment.  I can’t imagine my world without travel.  I feel so blessed to be able to experience it and to benefit from it.  I am proud of myself for conquering myself AND the fear that I was holding about travel in general.

That doesn’t mean that the fear is gone.  For me it means that the fear doesn’t get to have a hold of me any longer.  I KNOW I am capable of travel.  I KNOW I can overcome fear.  I KNOW I can do anything I choose to do, when I put my mind to it.

I KNOW that I am stronger than the fear.

And this is a very powerful feeling.  A very rewarding feeling. A very satisfying feeling.  It is a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time.

Now, it is back to reality.

A reality where we realistically track our bites.  I’ve taken pictures of the bites on my body, and Tim’s body.  We’ve made notes about them and will monitor how they heal.  Logically, I understand that the incubation period for anything that has nested in my skin is 3-4 weeks.

I refuse to freak out.  I refuse to worry.  I refuse to panic.

Instead, we have documented it, and I am choosing to NOT think about it again until there is a reason to.

Except, Tim is sick. 

Home for less than 2 days, his first day back to work, he came home with a splitting headache and went right to bed.  He shook with a fever and chills all night long.  He has been off work now for 4 days.  He lies in bed, in the dark, riding out the waves of nausea and bouts of diarrhea while battling a disgusting headache behind his eyes.

Cam and Alicia have reported similar symptoms, to a lesser degree.

I am pumping him full of probiotics, vitamins and electrolytes and giving him lots of space to rest and sleep. He is using the sauna too.  I know Google and self-diagnosis are the worst things to do, but even before looking it up, my intuition told me.

Dengue Fever.

I’ve seen it before in fellow mission workers. It’s in the news right now too.  It is quite common in certain countries, and the Grenadine Islands is a hot spot.  There isn’t a vaccination or prevention other than bug spray, which we used in spades.  BUT, that last morning in Bequia, I was soaking up every last ounce of Vitamin D in the pool and the other three sat in the shade and were consequently feasted on by mosquitos.

Today, he is up and around and starting to appear more human.  The headache behind his eyes is significantly less and the fever seems to have broken in the night last night.  I am hopeful that the worst is behind us.

I am realizing that with bugs and travel, it is just the luck of the draw.  Being in the right place at the wrong time. Or the wrong place at the right time.  Either way, they are sneaky little buggers.

I am breathing.  I am focusing on what I DO have control over.  I am not panicking.  I am focusing on the feelings of accomplishment, the feelings of conquering fear, and I am doing my damnedest  to stay anchored and grounded as far from FEAR as I can get!

I am stronger than the fear.


Xo Juli

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