*Full disclosure.  I am vulnerable in this post.*

Journal Entry #7

I have always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  Whatever life throws at us is meant to teach us something, to help us grow and to broaden our awareness to our intricate purpose in this world.  Does this mean that terrible things happen to good people? Yes.  It means that none of us are exempt from the process of living and experiencing this life.  I have been known to say that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. We are perfectly imperfect, and we need events, situations and scenarios in life to help us accept our perfect imperfections.  I don’t pretend to have all the answers.  I don’t know why I am experiencing this bizarre bug infestation.  But I do believe in time, the lesson and the reason will reveal itself.  My job here, is simply to trust that a reason and a lesson will reveal itself.  The rest of the thoughts create drama, confusion, and lower frequency emotions  – none of which I chose to engage in.

Bear with me, I am going somewhere with this.  I may talk circles for a moment, but it will come back around.

We are fortunate to be surrounded by loving and big hearted people. People, who, when their friends go through stuff, want to help.  And in some situations, when it comes to health, (physical or mental) there is little that can be done to help with the healing process.  So, people with big hearts feel helpless.  And big hearts turn that helplessness into action.  It is an innate human response.  Although we are human beings, our first reaction in these situations is to be a human doing.  So we spring forth with offering to help, serve, volunteer, pray and donate.  And oh, doesn’t this world need that action?  I mean, what a beautiful springboard helplessness is.

My family, has been blessed by this very springboard this week. Big hearted friends and family have showered us with love and prayers.  Big hearted friends and family have donated money towards our medical expenses. Big hearted friends have created a meal calendar so that myself or my family doesn’t have to worry or think about that for the month ahead.  Big hearted friends have stepped up to lead and carry on my roles in the community and in our meditation circle in my absence.  Big hearted people have done our groceries for us.  Big hearted people have visited, emailed, messaged, prayed, brought flowers, gifts and food. In a world that needs big hearted people, we have an abundance here in our little corner of the earth.

Human doings are important.  I’ve realized something over the last few days though.  Human BEINGS are amazing.  This is what I want you to know: YOU ARE ENOUGH.  When you come to visit or call or check in, your presence in my life is the biggest gift I can receive from you.  Don’t get me wrong, I love fresh flowers and food…but I love you more. When you come and sit with me, uninterrupted, sharing your time, your thoughts and feelings with me and allow me to do the same…no gift could ever be greater than that.  You are enough. It is okay to just BE.  And I am so thankful to be surrounded by so many big hearts that are human BEINGS.

In the weeks ahead, you will see the actions of more big hearts. Big hearts that are springboarding to support us through this journey.  And we are ever so grateful for their love and support and yours too.

This is where my rambling comes full circle.

I am willing to receive love and goodness into my life.  I am not resistant to help.  And my heart is open to receive.  But I must tell you that receiving this much all at once is very uncomfortable. By nature I am a giver and the give/receive balance in my life is almost always weighted in the give category. And now, the scales have tipped to the other extreme.  I know that when things are uncomfortable, it is a sign of growth and an opportunity to learn something new about myself and the world.

Part of that discomfort comes from an inner struggle.  I am struggling with receiving from a place of gratitude and not a place of victimhood.  It is clear that because people care, they are talking about what I am experiencing. It isn’t any of my business what other people think or say about me, but I really hope that it isn’t “poor Juli”…I am not a victim.  When big hearts give, it is because they want to and need to for the benefit of their own Soul and Soul’s work here.  And it is really important to me to honor that, to receive gracefully and gratefully.

Although internally I am feeling really uncomfortable with receiving to this magnitude, I am more grateful than anything.  What a blessing to see and feel the love of those around me while I am living and able to appreciate it.  I have had more tears in the last few weeks due to the overwhelming generosity and love…most days now I am just raw with emotion.

I am not sure that this will make sense as you read this, perhaps you can feel my inner struggle and see my vulnerability?  But I do want you all to know, from the bottom of my heart, I am truly thankful for your love for me and my family.

It is May 1, 2019 today.  I am hopeful the Miltefosine will arrive soon!

In deepest gratitude,

Xo Juli