*You can’t un-see these pictures. Proceed with caution.”

Journal Entry #12

Gravity has not been my friend today.  Imagine your worst hangover ever…you know, the kind where vertical time kills you?  When you aren’t sure which end the poison is going to come out? That’s me today. Today is day 6 of taking the Miltefosine.

There is new bug activity again this morning at the wound site on the foot.  BUT I have noticed a change in the texture and color of the wound on the left forearm. It has started showing small patches of white.  I am hopeful that this is a good thing because this wound has not shown any signs of change either way in weeks.  Fingers crossed.

The last two days have brought many visitors – which I am so thankful for.  I would imagine the days would be long and lonely without friends.  Special thanks to Marilyn, Sara, Vicky, Erin, Cathy, Stephanie, Kathy, Mya, Leslie, Laura-Lee, Leanne, Alicia and Jenny for popping in to check on me, to chat with me while I laid horizontally today, for stimulating conversations and for BEING with me on this journey.

Last night, Ingrid send a delicious butternut squash and broccoli salad over for dinner, which we all devoured.  She was kind enough to prepare the meal according to my blood-type with foods that support healing.  I mean, you can’t make up this kind of kindness!

I was hoping to make it to Courage Circle today.  That is our meditation group that meets twice a week.  It is a circle of amazing women who come together to learn and explore mindfulness, healthy and whole ways of living, who are real, honest and loving.  It is a place where everyone is accepted, where we can take off the mask we wear each day and just be ourselves.  These women are brave, loving and kind.  This circle has been in existence for more than 10 years, and we have experienced joy together (some got married, had babies, had grandbabies, moved to new homes, got new jobs etc.), we have cried together through diagnoses  and loss and mourned together through the passing of a founding Circle Sister.  It is a remarkable group and we are all so fortunate to have each other.  Our Courage Circle is open to anyone who is looking for support and mindfulness in their life. Anyway, this group of women have created a calendar of meals for our family over the next month and arranged grocery shoppers for the odds and ends and weekly fruit and vegetable deliveries. Incredible, right?  How blessed am I to be a part of such a compassionate group of women?

I digress.

I was hoping to make it to Courage Circle today, but the day had different plans for me.  When the first stomach cramping started I realized that I had a choice.  I could choose frustration and be mad that my plans for the day were not going to happen.  OR I could choose to listen to my body, lie horizontal and let it work itself out.  How many times have I ignored what my body is trying to tell me?  How many times has it told me to eat and I have denied it?  How many times has it said “move me!” and I didn’t give it an outlet to exercise?  How many times has it said “cry, dammit!” and I have stuffed it down and compartmentalized it?  How many times has it said “dance” and I choose not to because people are watching?  I’m sure you get the idea.  I also have a hunch that I am not alone  when it comes to ignoring the signals that our bodies send when they need something.  Today, I listened.  Today, I honored it.  Visitors came and went.  I didn’t feel bad that I couldn’t get up to give a hug good-bye or thank you.  I didn’t feel like a terrible host because I couldn’t get up to offer a drink.  It wasn’t awkward when Cathy sat on the floor beside me to visit.  I just WAS today, and you know what?  The day happened without my making it happen.  People came in and out, food appeared, love flowed, naps happened all while I laid horizontally.

Today, I wonder how much I fight life.  When I am preoccupied with tasks or have an unrealistic to-do list and push through to get everything accomplished.  When my attention is tied up with “stuff”, how many precious moments am I missing?  How many quality conversations am I not engaging in?  How many relationships am I not developing?  It’s a valid question.  For me, today, it is an important question.  I mean, I really valued the conversations I had today.  They were real, open and honest.  We didn’t talk about the weather or the local gossip. We talked about matters of the heart and life.  In fact, I would go so far as to say that they were so important that I can’t imagine a task I “could” have been doing would be greater.

And that is an eye-opener. Here’s why:

I wouldn’t have gotten this lesson today if I hadn’t listened to my body.  I would have missed all of those precious moments.  Just the thought of missing those moments makes me sad.

So, l want to take a moment and thank the diarrhea.  Yep.  You read that right.  I mean we laughed about it today, even went so far as to hope the fortune cookie would read “Today you will not shit your pants.”  The actual fortune was much more poignant than that.  It read “Good thoughts make life better.” That’s right.

Good.  Thoughts. Make.  Life.  Better.

Who knew a day of diarrhea would hold such great spiritual insight? Who knew simply laying on the couch all day long would hold such precious moments of friendship? Who knew a fortune cookie would confirm this life lesson today?  Instead of entering the day frustrated with the things I couldn’t do, I chose to enter the day as it was, for what it was.  And lo and behold it was not only full of surprises, but FULL of blessings too.  How lucky am I?

Xo Juli