September 5, 2019

Forward is forward.

Journal Entry #57

I am proud of myself.

I don’t think that is something that I say to or about myself nearly enough. It sounds cocky or arrogant.  It has an air of superiority to it.  Or, at least I used to think so.

Leishmaniasis has a tendency to change one’s perspective on a lot of things.

The wound on my foot has been closed now for about 3 weeks.  I feel like it is closed for good now…no more breaking open and oozing!  It is still healing at a deeper level, but superficially it is closed and I am confident in the strength of the skin that has grown over.  My hand and arm look like burns or scars now.  The rest of the symptoms I am experiencing are internal, mental and emotional – which means that I am still healing all the things you cannot see.

Recently, I decided to ease my way back into working with clients again.  I have never in 20 years (not even when I had babies) taken 5+ months off of work.  I miss it.

Really, I do.

BUT, I, intentionally and cautiously, am doing so, in a slow state of awareness.  By this I mean, two clients in a week.  This way, I can gauge my strength, flow of energy and stress level.  If it were up to the insurance company they would have had me back to work months ago.  They have supplemented my time of with ¼ of what I would ordinarily make but only after a 90 day wait period (that wasn’t retro-paid), which means that they have only actually supported me for 2 months.

2 out of 5+ is better than nothing, I suppose.

Regardless, I committed to give myself the time and space to be well before I return to work.  The doctors have been supportive, giving me the ultimate decision making authority on when I feel ready to return to work. And although the Insurance Company wants me back as soon as possible, my Adjuster has been very understanding about the broad spectrum of healing that has to happen before I can enter back into the workforce.  I work in the health care industry…and I promote well-being, encourage self-care, often saying “listen to your body, it knows what it needs.”  I refuse to be a hypocrite and I said as much to the Adjuster. I will not expect others to do what I am not willing to do myself.  I MUST be able to live what I teach.  It doesn’t matter what the Doctors say, what my counsellor says, what the Insurance Adjuster says, I will not go back to work one moment before I FEEL ready.

Which brings me to today. 

What a wonderful feeling to be back in my office, in a serene and beautiful space.  It was quiet, cool and cozy.  I interacted with two clients, scheduled with a little break between…and it felt so amazing. To be contributing to society.  To care for another’s body, not just my own. To have meaningful conversation. To feel purposeful.  Have I mentioned that I love what I do?

I love what I do.

I am eager to get back to life, full swing…to jump in with both feet. In the past that would be my tendency – I would feel the urge and just go for it – all or nothing.

Not anymore.

It is important to contemplate my choices.  I have been given this amazing opportunity to hit the “re-set” button on my life.  Now is the time for change. Now is the time for choice.  Now is the time to prioritize.  Now is the time to establish new routines, schedules and habits. Before Leishmaniasis, momentum was a huge factor for me.  I was busy, thriving and multi-tasking the shit out of life.

Not anymore.

I love what I do.  AND I love me.  Which means that in order for me to do what I love, I must love me.  I must respect me.  I must listen to me.  I need to have space in my life to look after myself, nurture myself and love myself.  If I don’t have my health in check, I cannot do what I love.

I can hear the masses shouting “Halleluiah!”

I am re-discovering my passions and that is really exciting.  Every day, I negotiate where I spend my energy (or my TicTacs) and I am learning that even though I love what I do, within that broad spectrum there are some things that I love more than others.  And since I have the awareness now, that I get to choose how I am going to spend my energy, I want to spend my energy in a way that will impact the world in a meaningful way.

My choices today were rewarding.  I felt like I made a difference.  I  helped alleviate pain.  I had conversations that brought about solutions and awarenesses. I engaged with life and didn’t lose myself.  I delegated tasks that I am less passionate about in order to conserve space for what I am passionate about. I listened to my body and had lunch!  I drank lots of water and took all my supplements.  I made dinner for my family and ate with my family.  And although I have made my way to bed at 6:10pm tonight, I wouldn’t change a thing.

I am proud of myself.

I successfully attempted to serve today.  And I survived.  Am I tired? Absolutely.  I will sleep well tonight.  But I know, in my place of knowing, that I am ready to re-emerge.

It doesn’t matter how fast I go.  Forward is forward.


Xo Juli

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