*You can’t un-see these pictures, or un-feel the vulnerability of this post.*
Journal Entry #32
I didn’t barf today. I didn’t have diarrhea today. All good signs. The mouth sores persist. My entire body aches, my head feels like it is splitting open, I feel waves of nausea and cramping. The foot ulcer is throbbing today…pulsating. And the fatigue is deep. Beyond the physical, I find myself stuck in my own headspace.
Today has been an emotional day.
My husband helps organize Field of Dreams…a fundraising ball tournament to help keep our ball diamonds in shape and to help with upgrades that don’t fit in the Municipal budget. Baseball is a sport that is near and dear to all of our hearts, where lasting friendships are made, where awesome family memories are made, and where our children learn about winning and losing and how to be a good sportsman no matter what the outcome of the game is. This tournament is special to us for a number of reasons, but I love it because it is where a lot of our friendships come together to have a fun weekend. It is where our curling friends meet our highschool friends, meet our other baseball friends, meet our neighbors and meet our church friends…needless to say, memories are made this weekend. To state the obvious, this year, not only would I not be playing, but not helping behind the scenes either. My husband came to pick me up this morning so that I could watch some of our friends play each other – and to enjoy this beautiful sunshine. And it was so great to be among the land of the living. To hear the crack of the bat, the laughter, the haggling, to see camaraderie and friendship at play.
I lasted one hour.
Then slept for five.
Replenished Tic-Tacs (energy), I thought why not go to the teams BBQ tonight? Again, awesome to hear the laughter and banter between friends, to see the kids jumping and splashing in the pool, the adults moaning over their aging bodies after a day of baseball and it was awesome to catch up with friends. I sat and enjoyed my surroundings and the company until I exhausted almost all of my Tic-Tacs. I estimated how many I had left. How many I would need to get to the car? How many would I need to do the stairs to get to my bed? How many would I need to do the night-time wound-care routine? How many would I need to journal? It is quite an internal negotiation…because I really wanted to stay. What if I don’t change the wound dressings? Would that be so terrible? Maybe I could just sleep on the couch? I can journal tomorrow, can’t I?
I guess this isn’t different than any other day that I have been on this planet. Every day, I get to pick and choose where my energy goes…how I want to spend those Tic-Tacs. Every day, I am tempted to do what I want over what by body wants or what my Spirit wants. This microcosm that I am living in, is no different than real life. And if I can’t sit here in this state of suffering willing to save enough Tic-Tacs to look after my physical and mental health…how the hell am I going to do it when these wounds are healed? That scares me. And it also tells me that I haven’t learned all that I am to learn through this yet.
It isn’t like I am prone to making irresponsible decisions. I typically do the right thing. Well, minus that one time in Mexico…but that is another story.
In case you are wondering, you are reading this because I made a responsible decision. But it wasn’t easy.
I love life. I love to make each moment count. I don’t want to miss a thing. The moments just go so fast and I want to soak them all up and not sulk them away. I love to experience adventure and embrace the day.
If I had to name the emotions swirling today, I don’t know if I can capture them all…sadness because I simply cannot do what I want to do. Worried, because making the right decision for my body was hard tonight. Angry, because in all honesty, I have neglected the inner workings of what my body really needs for a long time. Proud, of myself for making the right choice for my body tonight. Grateful, for amazing friends that cared about my comfort, that fist-bumped and high-fived my success so far. Glad, that I won’t be suffering the hangovers that some of them will be tomorrow. Happy, that the sun is strong and the air is finally warm. Disappointed, that I wasn’t able to perform two wedding ceremonies today.
Remember that big decision that I had to make a few weeks ago regarding work? As hard as it was to make the decision to find a replacement Officiant for these couples and pass off the ceremony and all responsibilities…I did the right thing. It’s funny, how many times I thought of each couple today. How at exactly 3pm and 6pm, I looked at the clock and thought of them. I truly hope that they had amazing days – and with both being outdoors, the weather was amazing for them!
Not a chance, could I have served those couples well today. Not a chance, that my body or my emotions could have handled that today. And they deserve someone who is fully present and on their game for their big day. And I deserve time to heal. So, in the end, I guess I am not so much disappointed as I am thankful that I had the courage to make the right decision.
Tonight, I transition into the healing post-Miltefosine. Tomorrow, I will wake and NOT have to have Pepto before I get out of bed…tomorrow will be a new day and a new chapter of this healing journey.
It really is a journey.
Just because I am done the prescribed treatment, does not mean that I am healed. I still have a long way to go. The wound on my hand has begun to close and I can wear a regular sized Band-Aid on it now. The wound on my forearm, is now about half of the size it was. For massage clients reading this, I won’t be back to work until these are completely closed and the Doctors feel I am not at risk of a secondary infection. The ulcer on my foot is a mystery unto itself. I started using the Medi-honey on it about a week ago now – and the most healing has happened since. It still looks nasty, bleeds sometimes and throbs…but the size is getting smaller and if this pain means construction and not destruction, I can take it. I am hopeful that the bugs are either dead or dormant now.
I am expecting that the effects of the Miltefosine will take about 2 weeks to wear off. Who really knows though? I will see Dr. Boggild on Tuesday and Dr. Katrina Thursday and see what they have to say about my progress. I am continuing to RIFE every other day with the frequency treatment plan, Infrared Sauna the opposite days, supplement with the mushrooms, garlic, vitamin D and all the other minerals and vitamins prescribed, rest, elevate and hydrate to give my body what it needs to continue healing. I am determined to get my physical health strong again.
I am also continuing to work on a strategy to manage my Tic-Tacs in a new way. A prioritization or sorting system in my mind that will help me set new healthy boundaries and be okay with saying “no”. A way of listening to my body more acutely when the speed of life picks up again. An understanding between mind and body that they both need to be looked after in order to do all the things that I want to do in this life. I am excited to live fully and to participate fully in a way that isn’t detrimental to my own health. Balance is key.
I think some of these insights are a result of the work that I am doing with the Shaman. In one of the Soul Retrieval exercises, we invited back in a sliver of Soul that splintered off when I was a child. The purpose of the journey was to look beyond the logical explanation of what is physically happening to my body, to ask the why? of why is this happening at this point in my life, to be open to the possibility that there are important pieces of myself that I need access to, in order to carry on. In all the work that I have done over the years, one foundational truth for me is the connection between our bodies (emotional, physical, spiritual, mental). It is important that I find this connection.
I live what I teach. *Most of the time – I am human too.*
I have waged internal war over what the emotional or mental or spiritual hiccup is here. And there is no reason in my logical, conscious thinking mind. Is it something unresolved from my childhood? Is it karma? Is it an ancestral link? Did I bring it with me from another lifetime? Is there an unconscious thought pattern detrimental to my health that I keep thinking? I honestly have no idea. But I feel that there is something underlying this particular experience. Even though, I am learning all these little important lessons along the way, I still wonder if there is something I am just not getting yet. Some may find this path through a psychologist, counsellor, a life coach, religious teacher or any number of ways. Shamanism for me, feels like an appropriate path for this experience. This particular journey with the Shaman allowed me to invite back into my Soul, worth. Not self-worth. Not monetary worth. No prefixes or suffixes. No nouns.
I don’t know why worth splintered off. I don’t need to know or drudge up the past. But, when it offered to come back and be an available resource for me, I gladly accepted. So, right now I am re-calibrating. Re-valuing my imprint. Re-connecting with this old friend.
I looked up the definition of worth. It said something like “the level at which someone or something deserves to be valued or rated.” In which case, every one of us have a different measuring stick of judgement over worth. Other definitions included words like sum, deserving, sufficient, funds, achieved, produced…this isn’t the worth that I am talking about here. In fact, I couldn’t find a definition for worth that pleased me.
Which pleased me.
This meant that I was on to something…something good. I closed my eyes then…and just felt the word.
And do you want to know what I felt? Full. Weird, right? Worth, void of judgement. Worth, without currency. Worth, without labels, cliques, clubs or religion. I felt worth in the absence of everything found in those definitions. And that is okay. Actually, it is more than okay. We talk about self-worth, and net worth…but when we talk about it as it is defined, we devalue ourselves – because we immediately enter into judgement to find our worth.
Worth is found in the absence of judgement.
Let that sink in. It has taken me a couple weeks to get it. Tonight, it became clear, when I made the decision to honor my body over my mind and come home with enough Tic-Tacs to spare for this journal entry. When I climbed into bed and started to write, I felt full.
I felt worthy.
Perhaps this is what it feels like when the body, mind and Spirit support one another? This is something new. I like it. Welcome home, worth.
So, that’s it.
All 112 capsules have been taken.
5550mg of total Miltefosine has been consumed over the last 37 days.
Today, the last two went down the hatch.