*You can’t un-see these pictures.*

Journal Entry #22

There is no good news.  There is no bad news.  There is only news.

How we choose to see the news gives it a positive or negative attachment.  We all see news through our own filter of life, which determines the quality of our thoughts, which in turn determines the quality of emotion, which in turn tells the cells of our body to be in a state of wellness or in a state of dis-ease. That being said, I find it so interesting how others are responding to the news around my situation as it unfolds. Some are so positive and optimistic. Some are hesitant and disbelieving. Some need to see “proof” that the Miltefosine is working.  Some are just sympathetic to the whole situation.  Some are thankful it didn’t happen to them on their last vacation.  Regardless, it is up to me to choose which filter to see the news through in order to choose the thoughts that create the emotion that ultimately signals my cells to heal.

Sometimes, in the world of news, it is hard to hold your own.

A wise woman once told me, “Juli, opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and everyone thinks everyone else’s stink.”  And to that I would now add, “All you can do is care for yours and keep it clean!”

We often allow other people’s opinions carry more weight in our decision making than we allow our own to carry.  This shows up in big decisions like buying a house or a cottage or changing jobs or choosing a career or buying a new car or deciding which school to go to.

But it shows up in the little things too, like choosing how we think about news. Or really, how we think about anything.

I am 40, and I still get caught up in letting other peoples assholes (opinions) matter more than mine.  It is time to put the big girl panties on and let my asshole smell nicer than everyone else’s!

So today I have decided to present you with the facts, and you can decide what kind of news it is for you.  Perhaps by the end of this I will have figured out what kind of news it is for me, and then it can be revealed to all of us.  This is therapy, right?

• Today I had an appointment with Dr. Bogglid at UHN.
• The wait times were the quickest we had yet.
• My organs are tolerating the Miltefosine well and all my bloodwork and urine analysis are within normal range.
• My gut is not tolerating the Miltefosine.
• I have developed a twitch and an itch from the Gravol, so I will cut back to 2 per day (from 4).
• I am to continue to use the cannabis for pain, nausea, headaches, hot-flashes and for itching.Basically, cannabis is good for all the side effects of chemo, with no side effects itself.  Except the munchies.  Which, as it turns out is good because chemo decreases the appetite.
• The ulcer on my left hand has shown slight improvement.The wound is less volcanic-like, seems to be flattening and some new epithelial growth can be seen around the edges.
• The ulcer on my left forearm has shown slight improvement too.It appears to be flattening from a raised ulcer to being almost flush with the surrounding skin. No new epithelial growth is noticed here yet.
• The ulcer on my right foot shows no sign of change in any direction.Due to the pressure on the vessels in the foot from the prolonged inflammation there are some capillaries that are bursting making the wound appear bigger. We are to watch the internal edges of the ulcer for more coalescence and any changes.
• The bugs are dying, they are not dead yet.
• The treatment will not sterilize the bugs from my system.There will be care and monitoring for the rest of my life for possible reactivation and recurrence.
• Due to the current state of the progress of healing, we decided to extend treatment using the Miltefosine from 28 days to 37 days.

Today is day #21 of taking the Miltefosine.  I just went from only 7 more days of treatment to 16. Today is a day of digging deeper than I ever have before, to find a mindset that is powerful enough to override the brutality of the medicine.

True story.  The ride to the subway today was brutal.  For 12 ½ hours of that 45 minute drive this is what was happening in my brain:

“Don’t barf in Vicky’s new car!…Why didn’t you bring a barf bag…stupid!…Squeeze…breathe…Don’t shit Vicky’s new car!…Why didn’t you just wear the depends?!… Squeeze…breathe…you keep that medicine in there…it can’t work if it isn’t in your body…you can do this…keep it down…oops…squeeze…breathe…you are stronger than the drug…I just want to lay down…no just keep your eyes closed…keep your mouth closed…hold it in…nothing out the top…nothing out the bottom…focus….squeeze…breathe…keep the medicine in here…this is only temporary…I should have vaped before we left…oh man!…when this comes out…I’m gonna need the Anusol…that I forgot to bring with me…stupid!…squeeze…breathe…oops…don’t barf in Vicky’s new car….”

And repeat.

I guess what I am deciding as I write this, is that it is only 16 more days.  I am over the half-way mark now!  My body is strong and healthy internally which means I am able to continue taking the drug.  All the other side-effects are only temporary…I can ride them out just like I had to do today. It wasn’t pleasant and it wasn’t easy…but it is possible for me to do it.  I just have to hang in there.  It is the right thing to do.  It is the only treatment option I have and I am so fortunate to have a body that is receiving it and using it to heal my body.  I am grateful and happy that I have a strong support system around me that is preparing meals, cleaning our house, gardening, keeping up on laundry and doing dishes, running our kids to all of their commitments – having all of these things looked after alleviates so much stress for me which means I have more space and energy for healing.

Have you figured it out yet?  I think I have.

I am going with good news.  I am choosing healing thoughts.  I am choosing the feeling of gratitude. I am consciously signaling to my cells WELLNESS.

That being said, couple of shout outs to those who helped make my day brighter; Vicky for escorting me to Dr. Bogglid; My mom for…well, basically everything, but especially being there for the kids and getting them where they need to be; Cherie, Sara and Leanne for caring texts that made me laugh; Trisha for the awesome gift; Kari for an amazing dinner; The Greenbank Public School kids for the card, flowers and thinking stones; my kids for helping with the little chores to keep me comfortable; Kendra, we are not alone and finally to my husband who always makes sure my vape is cleaned and loaded ready to go!  I am sorry if I missed others that impacted my day, but know that I love you and thank you too!

News is just news.  Don’t freak out when it comes your way…remember, you always have a choice.

Xo Juli