*You can’t un-see these pictures.*
Journal Entry #34
I have been vision boarding since I was a young adult. I have made posters, brochures, manifestation books, pages and art representations…I have even made lists and taught workshops on how to set and then focus on our goals. Over the years, I have adapted the process for myself to end up with a power word for the year that encompasses all of the aspects that I would capture on a vision board. This word then becomes both my guide and anchor for the year. Interestingly, the last two years my word was BECOME – which means “to begin to be” – the word took me on a two year journey opening up to new ways of thinking, starting new projects and finding new experiences that allowed me to BE. Although I still loved this word, I had a sense that I was ready to move on to the next phase of growth and perhaps finish some of the things I began. However, I struggled to find the right word to move me forward into 2019.
We had hosted a New Year! New You! Weekend Retreat with 8 women who wanted to dump their brains, organize their thoughts, set some goals, forgive some hard lessons, and set a focus for the year ahead. What an amazing group of women – so open and honest and real. Real wounds, real healing, real laughter, real tears…real shifts. In the construct of how we offer retreats, there isn’t anything asked of the participants, that I myself have not experienced, so I really applaud their courage. In the process of me preparing and participating in the retreat, I still had not come to find the right power word…until the last day. I had lists and lists and notes and journaling and conversations as I narrowed it down…and when it first fell from my lips, I KNEW. My body responded to the power of the word, my thoughts and feelings came to attention, I was alert and I felt powerful. Oh, the power of a word!
For the last three days, for the life of me, I haven’t been able to remember my word.
It was gone. Lost to the great abyss that is my mind these days. I searched. I remembered BECOME but that doesn’t feel the same anymore. I found words that I have used other years passed like ABUNDANT and GROWTH. But 2019’s word was gone. How embarrassing! And the memento that I painted to capture the word is in my office, along with my notes from the Retreat and my journal from those months too…which is so far from my bed. Lazy, I searched my brain but it is just a vast black hole with no connection back to that powerful word.
Yesterday, I tried all day to talk my body into cooperating so that I could go to Canyon’s Orthodontist appointment. He has been anxious the last few months as he anticipated getting braces. It was a big moment in his life…and I couldn’t be there. My body did not cooperate. The good thing is that Daddy was here to go with him. Canyon wears them well, don’t you think?
Today, as Tim and I waited at UHN for our appointment at Tropical Disease, we got a phone call from the school. Faith was in the office, with a frisbee-to-the-eye-injury…it was already black & blue, they had ice on it, but perhaps we should pick her up? If only we could be in two places at once?! We checked back in on her about a half hour later, formulating a plan on who to call to help us out…and she was back in class with the ice pack. Emergency diverted. However, after seeing her eye tonight when we got home, I realize that my mom-instincts and decisiveness are off-line as well. I actually don’t know what to do or how to assess the situation.
The brain fog as some call it, has been thick lately. I am dropping words from my vocabulary and even if I try hard to search for the word, it is simply gone and I can’t find it. I will be mid-sentence and the rest of what I am saying just drops off into blackness and there is no re-tracing the steps to find it. Gone. Even writing takes longer as I work to find the language and then focus on the thoughts long enough to get them out.
Dr. Boggild was content with the progress I am making. The wounds are all measuring smaller and look to be healing. The foot wound has improved by almost 1cm, leaving 2+cm to go. At this point they like to see 50% healing of the wounds to know that the treatment has been effective. I present that way with the arm and hand wound. The foot wound does not meet that criteria, but we are all encouraged that it is moving in the right direction. I will continue with diligent wound care and protection against secondary infection. I am to continue keeping my foot elevated for 6-8 hours a day to promote drainage.
The rest of the symptoms that I am experiencing are a result of the Miltefosine, which will take about 2 weeks to wear out of my system. I will improve a little each day moving forward. I will ride out the nausea and other gut issues, continue to battle the splitting headache and give my body the space that it needs to heal. My body has been through a war inside and now it is time to switch from killing mode to healing mode. Dr. Boggild reiterated that rest is important, that due to the latest lab results, caffeine, alcohol and dairy must be avoided, and no to work yet. We will reassess healing, and a timeline for returning to work on July 4.
There is no way to measure or test or scan to know if the bugs are dead for certain. We assume that most are dead, and the rest dormant by now by the way that my body is responding to the treatment. My body is healing, which means that my body is stronger than the bugs now. The clinical presentation is the only way to monitor progress. Going forward, I will have to be monitored for re-occurrence. Should they decide to rear their ugly little heads again, it won’t look like the wounds I have today. They will most likely resurface in my nasal cavity and nose. (Don’t google it.)
I am trying to sort out how I feel about that.
I am relieved that my body is stronger than the bugs now but I am also pissed that there isn’t a way to sterilize them from my body completely. I know that the thought patterning around this is going to be very important…I cannot hold the frequency of “wondering” if they will ever show up again, for if I do, they will. I need to re-affirm health, and focus on a lifestyle change that will support an optimal wellness environment for Juli and not for the bugs.
Wonder is a thought that is quick to activate feeling. It can be a feeling of surprise or amazement OR it could be a feeling of doubt or fear. The latter is a dangerous mindset if what we think becomes our reality. Illness and wonder can be so narrowly separated. For some, the wonder (amazement) comes with treatment, with miracle healings, with clean bills of health and the knowledge that the blip is over. For some, the wonder (fear) comes with remission, chronic and persistent conditions. Wonder for me can be a gateway to the rabbit hole. So I want to exercise caution with this feeling…without denying it. What I mean is, acknowledge that my life and balance of life going forward needs to be and will be different as a result of this experience AND not think about it at the same time. If I let myself dwell in the wonder of if/when or how this could ever come back I will drive myself crazy with worry. And that is not an option.
As if out of thin air tonight, it returned. There were no fireworks, no grand re-entrance, no amazing story to tell of it’s return. Suddenly, while dispensing ice, it plunked back into my brain as a thought and I felt the power of its return.
It represents so many different things for me, but mostly it captures a feeling or a state of being that really resonates with my Soul. When I think it, or say it aloud it grounds me. Fires me up. Motivates me. Alerts me to opportunities. Catches my attention to remind me of my purpose and core values. Yes, one word is that powerful for me. It is a trigger to shift me into mindful being with purposeful action. In Onward! there is no wonder, no fear, no doubt there is only movement towards amazement…towards surprise…towards miracles…towards the other kind of wonder.
And that is a very good option indeed.