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May 12, 2020

Anniversaries

Journal Entry #90

Anniversaries are a strange thing.  We usually talk about them when we are celebrating something monumental that happens in our lives.  Like weddings, friendships and successes.  Lately, Anniversaries have been more around loss, like losing loved ones.  Imminently, for me, the Anniversary of Diagnosis.  For those who have had the pleasure and the pain of a life changing diagnosis, you may relate to this.

It’s the Anniversary of the day that everything changed.

It is an Anniversary that can’t be forgotten.  It is imprinted in my mind, and holds all kinds of emotional triggers.  It is a day that is bitter sweet.  To finally know WHAT was happening with my body but also a day where I learned that I would never be free of Leishmaniasis.

Reflection is healthy, but it is also a slippery slope towards the depths of depression.  However, in these moments of reflection, not only do I see the hardship that my whole family went through, but I also see all the blessings that this experience has brought us.  I feel like I am standing at a fork in the road today, the road being my thoughts.  I can choose the path of feeling sorry for myself, or I can choose the path of determination.

I can sit here and cry, feel sorry for myself as I reflect on all the shitty things that transpired after that moment.  I can be angry for all the changes and sacrifices that have had to be made to adjust to life after diagnosis.  I can be afraid of what is to come.  I can feel shame for feeling like this saga has dragged on for so long.  I can feel embarrassed for not taking my health more seriously in the beginning of the process.  

I. Am. Choosing. Not. To.

I won’t lie.  It is a mental fight today.

As if by Divine intervention, this blessing showed up on my Facebook feed a few minutes ago:

When the going gets tough…

May I remember that my life is what it is, not what I ask for.

May I practice with what I’m given, rather than wish for something else.

May I assume nothing.

May I turn my gaze up to the sky above rather than down to the mess at my feet. 

When the going gets tough, may I choose love over fear.  

Every time.

-Katrina Kenison

It is as if I have been jolted down the path of determination…far from that fork in the road.  I can see clearly that this is totally a matter of perspective.  And I get to choose what that perspective is.  Not just now, in this moment, but in every moment.

Every moment.

It is a powerful feeling, and amazing how quickly I can switch from feeling sad and lonely to understanding and determination.  

Simply by making a choice.

This is a perfect moment to put down the pen and tap on it.

This is why I love EFT.

Xo Juli

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