*Pictures of scarring enclosed.*
Journal Entry #47
This process of getting back to my “old self” is taking way longer than I anticipated. So many little hurtles along the way…things I never anticipated or expected. For instance, my voice is raspy and hoarse and I constantly feel like I need to clear it. Apparently there is a thing called a Chemo-cough? I am hopeful it will resolve. My taste-buds have changed, and foods that I used to love to eat, now gag me at the thought of them. I have had a perpetual headache for more than 6 weeks now. I am so tired – all the time. I am still dropping thoughts, words and having difficulty organizing thoughts to complete a task.
There are a few positives though.
I have been using CBD oil every night, about a tablespoon, for the last 2.5 weeks to help with gut inflammation in particular. That is the polite way of saying that I was desperate to stop the diarrhea. And guess what?! I have been solid for the last 2 weeks. I had only taken it 3 days, and my tummy has settled. I still experience nausea and cramping in the mornings – NO, I am not pregnant! But my guts are finally settling down after months of agitation. Which, also means that those nasty haemorrhoids are healing too!
The sores in my mouth have finally resolved – the Aloe Vera and marshmallow mouth rinse, although disgusting, really worked wonders and I highly recommend this concoction to anyone who suffers mouth sores of any kind.
The wound on my hand is completely closed and just looks like a cigarette burn now. I am protecting it from the sun with super SPF to minimize the scarring, but I will be left with a scar the size of a dime.
The wound on my forearm has completely closed as well. It is a flat circle scar about the size of a nickel, that looks like a burn too. I am massaging in regularly to help decrease the size of the scar, but it too will leave it’s mark. They are both visible and will always be reminders of what once lived there.
The ulcer on my foot has closed. The skin is granular and fragile, breaking open easily from inflammation. It is an area just a little larger than a golf ball now. It has been flattening and shrinking as it closes and heals and often is itchy. This is a good sign of healing. I am keeping it covered when I go out in public, but am enjoying relief at home, free of bandages as I let it air out. I am using a topical Japanese ointment derived from herbs to help heal and minimize the scarring.
I am no longer walking with a cane! Yippee! And a little more independence has returned as I find myself driving short trips around town in the car. It is wonderful to have that freedom return.
I am doing IV Therapy biweekly now, each week is a new Myers’ Cocktaildependent on my current bloodwork and symptomology. Daily, I am taking 8000IU of Vitamin D, Probiotics, 2 different herbal tinctures, one for adrenal support and one for heart support, B6, B12, Omega, a Mushroom complex, Vitamin C and Collagen (for tissue support). I break up the dosages, otherwise, it is like a meal in itself ingesting all of these tidbits.
I am still using the RIFE every other day for about 2.5 hours. The protocol has shifted from “bug killing” to immune and adrenal support as well as digestive health, fatigue and circulatory health.
I’ve learned that the Miltefosine stays active and working with in the body for 48 days following the last dosage. I am around the 30 day mark now, and have been assured that it is normal to still be experiencing symptoms to a lesser degree than when I was taking the drug daily. This explains why I still have waves of cramping, nausea, hot flashes headaches and light-headedness. I just need to be patient and let the drug do its thing fully and completely.
I am continuing with Physiotherapy/Osteopathy to regain strength and realign my body from all the lying around and walking with a cane. I am also continuing with EFT (tapping) in moments of wellness and in moments of anxiety. I am also continuing re-routing my brain through hypnosis and NLP work in relationship to bugs in general and the trauma that I have experienced due to infestation.
So, basically I am learning a whole new level of patience.
Psychologically, I have moments of complete clarity and other moments of overwhelm and even despair. You know when you go swimming in a beautiful aqua ocean and you can see the bottom so clearly that even your toes aren’t distorted when you look at them through the water? But as soon as you start to move them, or kick, or swim around, the sand begins to swirl and muddy the water so that you can no longer see much below the surface? That is my brain these days. When I am still and focus on just one thing, I can clearly complete the task. But as soon as I start thinking of many things, or creating a list, or surrounding myself with people, my mind becomes muddy and everything is cloudy…which means nothing gets accomplished. I call it “muddy mind.”
Frustration then ensues.
Emotionally, I am on a roller coaster. I am eager to get back to my “old self” but I have a sense that I have experienced so much change that the “old me” isn’t going to work for me anymore. I am working towards a “new self”, a new way of being. I am working towards setting new boundaries and I am relearning how to share my energy with the world. I don’t know entirely what that is going to look like yet, as those thoughts generate the muddy mindfor me at the moment. But I know that as I get stronger and begin to see my thoughts more clearly, this will reveal itself to me.
Spiritually, well, where do I start? As I explained to Canyon and Faith the other night, I don’t know why God dealt us this hand. I don’t know why God sent bugs to eat my body, to take me out of the equation of life, to disrupt our lives, goals and plans. I don’t know why we needed to experience it, why our kids were to experience neglect, loneliness, fear and responsibility. I don’t have the answers. But it is here and it happened, and all we can do is make choices to respond to this situation with integrity, courage and strength. It is okay to not know. It is okay to not understand. It is okay to be afraid. But it is more important to TRUST that we will get through it together as a team and come out stronger on the other side.
I’m learning that when I WISH that life was different or the situation was different, it puts me in a state of stress. A state of depression even. When I resist the reality of what is happening in this moment, by WISHING that it were something else, it actually causes me more pain. I am finding that when I call a thing, a thing, and just acknowledge it for what it is in that moment, it is easier to just let it be what it is.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when I am going through something and someone offers their wise advice by saying “Just let it go.” I mean, HELLO?!…if I knew howto let it go, don’t you think I would have done it already? That is not advice. That is not helpful. It digs me deeper into the frustration and makes me feel stupid because I literally do not know how to let it go.
Letting go looks different for each of us. And as I go through Leishmaniasis, I am realizing that every time I do it, it looks different too. Sometimes, I can let things go simply by breathing through it. Sometimes, I can let things go by journaling through it. Sometimes, it is dialoguing that helps me let go. Sometimes, it is screaming into my pillow or crying into a bowl of ice cream. Sometimes, meditation creates a space for letting go. Sometimes, confiding in a crystal and then placing in on the windowsill in the moonlight helps me let go. Sometimes, writing a letter results in letting go.
I think that when I am truly ready to let shit go, I will know how to do it. On nobody else’s timeline but my own.
I can’t rush the process or I end up frustrated and wishing things were different and then I anchor down into the feeling of stupidity because I don’t know how to let go. I think that when I am ready, the right avenue for releasing will reveal itself to me. Sometimes, I get the lesson and message quickly and can let go easily. Sometimes, I have to percolate and brew on it before I am ready to let it go.
I am currently percolating…patiently.
All in all, I am moving forward slowly, but fearlessly. It isn’t at my desired pace, or my “old pace”, it just is what it is and I can’t rush it. I have good days and not so good days and that is okay. One day at a time. One moment at a time. I keep reassuring myself that I am moving in the right direction…towards wellness.
And that, my friends, is a good thing.